Forty Niners Forever

Well, the 49ers made it through the Easter Week with nary an arrest or terrorist threat. Halleluia! Maybe they were all sufficiently contrite, and are thus on the path of righteousness. Easy peasy. No need for suspensions. Thanks, Jesus! You da man!

Like they say, there are no atheists in foxholes, and no guilty folks in prison. We still don’t know who is going where when jail- or suspension-wise with Cully or Aldon, but our newly minted blog polarizor with the familiar name (yes, A. Smith), has a court date set on April 29th for the various charges that came out of his Animal House style party in 2012, plus the DUI single-car accident in October last year that prompted the rehab stint. They rolled those separate cases in to one bundle of fun set for next week.

So, at least the legal ramifications should be ironed out (plea deal for the weapons [fine, wrist slap] and time served in rehab for the DUI, promise to be a good fellow [not a Good Fella {see POTD}]) before the May 3 deadline of buying out his 5th year (2015) option. I don’t promise to know what they are thinking, but the scuttlebutt around the team is there are a few things unknown to the general public that paint Aldon in a worse light beyond the stuff we know. Their stance right now is he’s standing at the end of a bamboo bridge soaked in kerosene with a road flare in his hand. In other words, they don’t pick up his option. Which in my mind is stupid. They can make hay trying to rehab the guy (and thus still have his services) or let him walk with $3 mill of the Niners money in his pocket, and he’ll be free to re-start his career with someone else come 2015. And if recent history is any indicator, it would be Seattle. They would LOVE to do to the Niners what Dallas did to them with Charles Haley back in the 90s.

Culliver? He’s already got the hit-and-run pled down to a misdemeanor. The felony brass knuckles charge should be thrown out, or at least pled-down hard. He’ll hopefully keep his cool as the team comes back into the fold, so I don’t think he gets any kind of suspension.

Jed should just stay in the background at this point and wait for the legal system to make their pronouncements, then come up with a statement about the horrors of trying to manage 53 raging lunatics. Or, you know, a mea culpa followed by the we-will-do-our-due-dilligence-in-getting-things-under-control-while-we-draft-11-more-‘character’-guys-in-May.

I mean in the past 3 days. The only recent news is Kilgore Trout was cleared of his drunkin’ public deal. Other than that? Just waiting for the draft. Jason Verritt appears to be the popular pick in the mockumentaries out there. Plus my son thinks we should go with him.  Hey, he’s fast, explosive and athletic. I’d still go with Beckham given the shot. Since these never go how I ever imagine they will, except for 2008,  I wonder. The thing is, there are a lot of great players that could slip down to 30, from NT Louis Nix to Beckham to to CB Dennard to any number of other guys.

No, no. Not posting any Sonny and Cher here, but, Jesus Christ on a bicycle, what in the wide wide world of sports is going on here? 49ers are getting arrested at the rate of once a week these days. Are these you father’s Cincinnati Bengals? Or maybe your father’s Jail Blazers? Your brother’s Seahawks? Well, we had 2 ‘suspicious’es last week. Not quite an arrest, but an investigation. Culliver? Yeah. Anyhow, Aldon Smith is again under the microscope for uttering those verboten word in an airport, ‘la bomba!’

He was promptly detained by LAPD and posted his $20,000 bail. He now has a very busy schedule keeping all these court dates straightened out on his calendar. If it’s Tuesday, it must be the weapons charge case. Or is it the DUI? Uh, reckless endangerment? Now all the hooraw will swirl around the type of team this is. Why are they drafting all these criminals? Well, as good a question as that may be, no one so far as I can tell can see into the future to determine the future actions of any of these draft choices. I mean, Rae Carruth was a troubled guy, but I don’t think anyone saw him trying to kill his pregnant girlfriend when he was drafted. Aaron Hernandez may have had a checkered past, as do a lot of these players, but rarely does it get to the point of mayhem. DUI, aggro assault, or otherwise.

But where does the blame lie? Who knows? Is Aldon going to get preferential treatment by the team because he’s such a talented player? Did he already get it last year? You can say the Niners were trying to help the guy out. Or they merely put him out there and said ‘kill kill kill!’ 2 days after his DUI arrest. Even Aldon seemed to be doing well after his stint in rehab. But therein lies the problem. These guys are grown-ass men. They have personal lives outside the game. They are people like you and me (if you happen to be 6’3″ 275, and faster than a f*cking gazelle). They get into normal human trouble. Alarmingly so, at times.  Plus, you know Seahwak fans are already roasting Harbaugh over last year’s comments regarding the Seahawks and all their drug/PED-rel;ated issues these past couple years. My thought has always been, let sleeping dogs lie. No reason to stir the shit unabated. That shit usually comes back to bite you squarely in the ass. Little breezy in the khakis all of a sufdden, Jimbo?

Should they merely cut Smith and let him fend for himself? Doubtful given the money they’ve already invested in him. And the talent he carries around with him. But it sure makes the contract negotiation parameters a little better for SF here. Lost in this arrest was the fact that there was no test done for alcohol. This is something the 49ers would like to know, but now that isn’t going to happen. The LAPD said he was drunk earlier but it wasn’t an issue at the time of arrest. Unfortunately they didn’t specify a time frame. How’s that for prognosticating? They could have been referring to him drinking 6 months ago. Smith was acting hung over? Or was Smith just pissed off at the TSA for being weenies? WTF does that even mean? Yet another tid-bit fo squirrely info to file away for the upcoming back-and-forth.

As usual, the instant news cycle gives us the news before the squad cars even leave the airport. I mean really, TMZ has people that just hang out at the airport waiting for shit to happen.  Surprise, surprise, it did. Within 15 minutes of his arrest, the video was posted of him being led away in cuffs. At some point in our self-saturated lives, everyone will walk around with GoPros strapped to their heads. All thewnews will soon be coming from live feeds from witnesses (and victims). And even perps.

Let the spin cycle begin. Again. And so it goes, Tralfamadorians . . .

Well, TMZ comes across looking stupid in the Kappy affair. But do they care? No. They are merely a tool for generating buzz around the flimsiest of stories and generating hits on their web site.

Me? I wouldn’t stoop so low. Anyhow, the more that comes out about this, the less there is to the story. The girl said nothing happened. It appears that she got too high, and one of the 3, or any combination of them, took her to the hospital because they were worried about her. So, she naturally filed a police report 4 days later. Maybe she got mad that they didn’t stick around til she slept it off.

Since nothing happened, the hospital released her without any apparent injuries to report, and she herself admitted that Kaepernick didn’t bang her, what are the charges going to be? They let her party too much?

Granted, there are some question marks to deal with. How did she get to the hospital? Who signed her in? Any other drugs involved? Whatever. As it is, there are no charges filed, and no reason to expect anything to change. In the good old days, players could already be hanging out at team HQ lifting weights, shooting the shit, and trying to stay out of trouble. As it is now, teams can have no contact with players, and the facilities are off limits til later this month. So they are left alone to their own devices for too long?

The reason this seems fishy is these guys get drug-tested all the time (hello Brandon Browner), and pot isn’t something that gets out of the system quickly. It takes a month for a marijuana test to come back clean after smoking a joint. If these guys were doing bong rips, they’d certainly test positive for pot in the near future.

Careful what you ask for, eh? Erstwhile starting QB and local lightning rod Colin Kaepernick, along with teammate Quinton Patton, and ex-teammate Ricardo Lockette, have been implicated in  what’s being called ‘suspicious’ activity in Miami. Seriously, though, isn[‘t everything in Miami suspicious?

It apparently involved a little party they were having at Lockette’s apartment, and it involved drinking shots, and hitting the bong. The girl got light-headed and went to lay down. She says Colin undressed her and left her in there. She woke up in the hospital not knowing how she got there. She also said there was ‘no sexual activity’ even though they had a previous relationship. Sounds pretty tame for Miami standards.

So, now we have a few of the southern belles that frequent this blog all in a tizzy over this alleged deal. Shit, Colin’s a hero for taking the OD’ed girl to the hospital. She should be thanking him instead of trying to extort money from him.

Time to roll the thread over. Not much happening til the draft in a month, so what do y’all want to talk about? Not much in the football world, unless you count the fact that RG III-XIII came up with his own personal logo, and Johnny Manzeill patented a couple of phrases.

1. Obviously: “Johnny Football”
2. Is the hugely dickish: “The House That Johnny Built”

Really? Hopefulluy he gets drafted by the Raiders, and he’ll change it to the masoleum that Johnny failed in.” Talk about painting a big giant target on your back, Johnny. No wonder 3/4 of all football fans want to watch you crater like the most recent flash in the pan, Tim Tebow.

Then again, I was kinda hoping Tim Tebow would come out of retirement to coin the phrase: “The Quarterback That God Built.”  Who said God was infallable?

Made the mistake of listening to Scott Bayless for 45 seconds this morning, and his quote was “All I know is whenever I see Johnny Football, he’s winning games. There’s no reason to doubt he won’t do that in the pros.” Skippy of course was the guy driving the Tim Tebow bandwagon. Straight into purgatory. Or the ESPN announcer’s booth. Kinda the same thing.

Perhaps Skippy forgot that Tebow (and Tim Couch, JaMarcus Russell, Vince Young, Ken Dorsey, yadda yadda yadda) all looked  like winners in college.

The Washington Redskins further solidified their place among the elite teams in the league by signing Colt McCoy, the backup of all backups. And best friend/confidante of recently signed DeSean Jackson. Well, not really. They couldn’t be any different. McCoy was born in the wastelands of an east New Mexico border town, and went to high school in a Texas town with 715 poeple and was a Longhorn. DSJ of course is from the mean streets of LA, went to high school in Long Beach, and went to college at Cal Oakland. I’m sure they’ll hit it off magnificently. If not ever speak to each other.

Anyhow, teams like the Eagles recently used the ‘gang ties’ angle to dump their malcontented WR among other myriad problems he posed. Mainly that he was resistant to following team rules, could be percieved as a bad influence on younger players,  and never seemed to be satisfied with his current contract. Being that the Eagles could have dumped him anyway, citing issues with new head coach Chip Kelly, the Eagles decided to go one step further and call his supposed ties to the Crips gang as a reason to dump him after his best season in the pros.

Problem is, any kid coming out of any big city would fall under this tenuous connection. The lilly-white law-abiding owners (hello Bob Irsay) are aghast at any possible players sullying their clean sport with possible ties to illicit activities (except for manslaughter, gambling, rape, battery, felony DUI,  assault, domestic abuse, sexual harassment, illegal weapons hoarding and usage, and the like) so you can understand their reticence to draft certain players. I mean, unless they are really good.

So, let’s hear it for Dan Snyder (insert raaspberry here), the obviously good-hearted owner who is taking a huge chance by risking the reputation of the honored Redskin name in taking a chance on the troubled young star WR.

Say what you will, but my one-man one-blog diatribe to upgrade the offense appears to be working. There are grumblings out of 4949 Centennial Blvd that the powers-that-be are looking at more 3 WR formations. And not just on 3rd down! My word!

Shocking to some. Necessary to develop a fully-formed offense to others.  Jim Harbaugh’s comments, which I printed in the last thread, pointed the bony finger at the usual suspects. No WRs that could get open with all the injuries, and a stodgy game plan. He didn’t go as far to call out Kaepernick for being the one-read guy as protrayed by some in the nedia, but the gist was there rarely were open guys to progress to. But that will be a point of emphasis in this camp. Besides, you want to watch Kappy read guys off of coverage, watch the Carolina playoff game. He gets Kookly of of position a few times by looking him off of coverages.

Not mentioned in the article, but mentioned elsewhere, was the fact that Kappy had a foot problem that hindered his movements til the bye week. Yes, Kappy has room to grow. But he still hasn’t started 2 seasons of games yet. He’s a dedicated player who desperately wants to win.

Throw in the fact that Baalke is apparently on a self-imposed timetable to sign Kappy to a deal before kamp breaks in late July, and the fact that the gleaming new stadium will be hosting it’s very first game, and you have the makings of an exciting season.  

So, bring it on.

Seriously, most of these are fairly mundane as the stadium experience goes (no guns, no booze) but no playing football in the parking lot? Not even frisbees? Granted, this isn’t 1978, but come on, frisbee is still a valid way to pass the time when you get to the game early.

And really, no fish? I brought my dolphin (a Niner fan, BTW) to the Miami game a couple years go without a hitch. Ahh, a catch. She’s a sea-borne mammal! My 17′ boa constrictor preferred watching the game from his usual perch at the Kezar Pub.

Anyhow, the following acts are prohibited for fans inside AND outside the stadium:

• No throwing objects – liquid or solid, including footballs – or causing anything to “become airborne.”

Guess I can’t throw my shit that I took in the parking space next to me 

• No exploding anything – including smoke bombs, stink bombs, or anything “repugnant or disgusting to the eyes or sense of smell” 

• No birds, fish, reptiles or animals, except guide dogs, unless you are Marlin Perkins

Damn. I have some exploding pigeons I wanted to bring to the first home game. 

• No urinating or defecating anywhere except the bathroom

The following acts are prohibited for fans inside the stadium

• No bringing weapons – including guns, knives, Tasers, “impact weapons” or “chemical agents,” unless you’re Dirty Harry

• No running on the field, going into the players locker rooms or entering any other prohibited areas unless you have a pass to be there, unless you are Dirty Harry chasing a criminal

• No bringing in booze – even in a gun-shaped flask, unless you are Dirty Harry

• No going inside the stadium – even for impromptu ultimate frisbee games – when no events are going on

• No “disruptive, unsafe, noisy, boisterous or profane” activity. 

Hellooooooooo, Raider fans 

• No buying an additional ticket to re-enter the stadium after you’ve been ejected.

Uh right. Good luck with that. “Another $250.00? Maybe next year’s game.” 

• No air horns, bugles, powered megaphones, drums or other noise-making devices unless stadium officials approve.

They’d better approve Banjo Man or there will be hell to pay 

• No smoking except in designated areas

• No sitting in a seat that’s not yours.

“Excuse me miss? Can I sit on your lap? No? Oh, you can sit in mine . . .” 

• No blocking the aisles

The following acts are prohibited for fans in stadium parking lots and other areas just outside the stadium

• No “vehicle training,” playing sports – including football – bicycling or skateboarding in the parking lots.

Vehicle training? I can’t get my car to run a fly pattern, coach. 

• No tailgating in unauthorized areas; it’s up to the parking lot owners to approve tailgating, and the team says tailgating will be allowed in more than half the lots

• No free parking.

No free lunches either. Unless you are Dirty Harry 

• No taking up more than one space in the parking lot; there are higher fees and special spaces for RVs and other huge vehicles.

This includes Arnold Schwartzenegger and the Hummer he rode in on. 

• No messing with the parking space next to yours.

This includes shitting or otherwise marking it. 

• No music or any noise that can be heard from more than 50 feet away.

3 feet if it is Justin Bieber. 

• No lingering in parking lots during specific events in which officials close the lots during the events

 You mean we’re locked IN?

• No selling food, drinks or anything else unless you’re an authorized business, and no seeking employment or begging for money

“Can I clean up all the shit in the parking lot?” 

• No beer kegs. No glass containers unless it’s for prescribed medication.

“Yes officer, I need my bottle of Jack Daniels to overcome my Social Anxiety Disorder.”

There you have it. A veritable feast of no-no’s for our sparkling new turd of a stadium. Remember, no loud or excessive cheering for the home team.

Seattle may have the 12th man. We have the 24 Commandments.