Seriously, most of these are fairly mundane as the stadium experience goes (no guns, no booze) but no playing football in the parking lot? Not even frisbees? Granted, this isn’t 1978, but come on, frisbee is still a valid way to pass the time when you get to the game early.
And really, no fish? I brought my dolphin (a Niner fan, BTW) to the Miami game a couple years go without a hitch. Ahh, a catch. She’s a sea-borne mammal! My 17′ boa constrictor preferred watching the game from his usual perch at the Kezar Pub.
Anyhow, the following acts are prohibited for fans inside AND outside the stadium:
- No throwing objects – liquid or solid, including footballs – or causing anything to “become airborne.”
Guess I can’t throw my shit that I took in the parking space next to me
- No exploding anything – including smoke bombs, stink bombs, or anything “repugnant or disgusting to the eyes or sense of smell”
- No birds, fish, reptiles or animals, except guide dogs, unless you are Marlin Perkins
Damn. I have some exploding pigeons I wanted to bring to the first home game.
- No urinating or defecating anywhere except the bathroom
The following acts are prohibited for fans inside the stadium
- No bringing weapons – including guns, knives, Tasers, “impact weapons” or “chemical agents,” unless you’re Dirty Harry
- No running on the field, going into the players locker rooms or entering any other prohibited areas unless you have a pass to be there, unless you are Dirty Harry chasing a criminal
- No bringing in booze – even in a gun-shaped flask, unless you are Dirty Harry
- No going inside the stadium – even for impromptu ultimate frisbee games – when no events are going on
- No “disruptive, unsafe, noisy, boisterous or profane” activity.
Hellooooooooo, Raider fans
- No buying an additional ticket to re-enter the stadium after you’ve been ejected.
Uh right. Good luck with that. “Another $250.00? Maybe next year’s game.”
- No air horns, bugles, powered megaphones, drums or other noise-making devices unless stadium officials approve.
They’d better approve Banjo Man or there will be hell to pay
- No smoking except in designated areas
- No sitting in a seat that’s not yours.
“Excuse me miss? Can I sit on your lap? No? Oh, you can sit in mine . . .”
- No blocking the aisles
The following acts are prohibited for fans in stadium parking lots and other areas just outside the stadium
- No “vehicle training,” playing sports – including football – bicycling or skateboarding in the parking lots.
Vehicle training? I can’t get my car to run a fly pattern, coach.
- No tailgating in unauthorized areas; it’s up to the parking lot owners to approve tailgating, and the team says tailgating will be allowed in more than half the lots
- No free parking.
No free lunches either. Unless you are Dirty Harry
- No taking up more than one space in the parking lot; there are higher fees and special spaces for RVs and other huge vehicles.
This includes Arnold Schwartzenegger and the Hummer he rode in on.
- No messing with the parking space next to yours.
This includes shitting or otherwise marking it.
- No music or any noise that can be heard from more than 50 feet away.
3 feet if it is Justin Bieber.
- No lingering in parking lots during specific events in which officials close the lots during the events
You mean we’re locked IN?
- No selling food, drinks or anything else unless you’re an authorized business, and no seeking employment or begging for money
“Can I clean up all the shit in the parking lot?”
- No beer kegs. No glass containers unless it’s for prescribed medication.
“Yes officer, I need my bottle of Jack Daniels to overcome my Social Anxiety Disorder.”
There you have it. A veritable feast of no-no’s for our sparkling new turd of a stadium. Remember, no loud or excessive cheering for the home team.
Seattle may have the 12th man. We have the 24 Commandments.