No Fun League? Meet No Fun Stadium . . .

Seriously, most of these are fairly mundane as the stadium experience goes (no guns, no booze) but no playing football in the parking lot? Not even frisbees? Granted, this isn’t 1978, but come on, frisbee is still a valid way to pass the time when you get to the game early.

And really, no fish? I brought my dolphin (a Niner fan, BTW) to the Miami game a couple years go without a hitch. Ahh, a catch. She’s a sea-borne mammal! My 17′ boa constrictor preferred watching the game from his usual perch at the Kezar Pub.

Anyhow, the following acts are prohibited for fans inside AND outside the stadium:

 

  • No throwing objects – liquid or solid, including footballs – or causing anything to “become airborne.”

Guess I can’t throw my shit that I took in the parking space next to me 

  • No exploding anything – including smoke bombs, stink bombs, or anything “repugnant or disgusting to the eyes or sense of smell” 

 

  • No birds, fish, reptiles or animals, except guide dogs, unless you are Marlin Perkins

Damn. I have some exploding pigeons I wanted to bring to the first home game. 

  • No urinating or defecating anywhere except the bathroom

The following acts are prohibited for fans inside the stadium

 

  • No bringing weapons – including guns, knives, Tasers, “impact weapons” or “chemical agents,” unless you’re Dirty Harry

 

  • No running on the field, going into the players locker rooms or entering any other prohibited areas unless you have a pass to be there, unless you are Dirty Harry chasing a criminal

 

  • No bringing in booze – even in a gun-shaped flask, unless you are Dirty Harry

 

  • No going inside the stadium – even for impromptu ultimate frisbee games – when no events are going on

 

  • No “disruptive, unsafe, noisy, boisterous or profane” activity. 

Hellooooooooo, Raider fans 

  • No buying an additional ticket to re-enter the stadium after you’ve been ejected.

Uh right. Good luck with that. “Another $250.00? Maybe next year’s game.” 

  • No air horns, bugles, powered megaphones, drums or other noise-making devices unless stadium officials approve.

They’d better approve Banjo Man or there will be hell to pay 

  • No smoking except in designated areas

 

  • No sitting in a seat that’s not yours.

“Excuse me miss? Can I sit on your lap? No? Oh, you can sit in mine . . .” 

  • No blocking the aisles

The following acts are prohibited for fans in stadium parking lots and other areas just outside the stadium

 

  • No “vehicle training,” playing sports – including football – bicycling or skateboarding in the parking lots.

Vehicle training? I can’t get my car to run a fly pattern, coach. 

  • No tailgating in unauthorized areas; it’s up to the parking lot owners to approve tailgating, and the team says tailgating will be allowed in more than half the lots

 

  • No free parking.

No free lunches either. Unless you are Dirty Harry 

  • No taking up more than one space in the parking lot; there are higher fees and special spaces for RVs and other huge vehicles.

This includes Arnold Schwartzenegger and the Hummer he rode in on. 

  • No messing with the parking space next to yours.

This includes shitting or otherwise marking it. 

  • No music or any noise that can be heard from more than 50 feet away.

3 feet if it is Justin Bieber. 

  • No lingering in parking lots during specific events in which officials close the lots during the events

 You mean we’re locked IN?

  • No selling food, drinks or anything else unless you’re an authorized business, and no seeking employment or begging for money

“Can I clean up all the shit in the parking lot?” 

  • No beer kegs. No glass containers unless it’s for prescribed medication.

“Yes officer, I need my bottle of Jack Daniels to overcome my Social Anxiety Disorder.”

 

There you have it. A veritable feast of no-no’s for our sparkling new turd of a stadium. Remember, no loud or excessive cheering for the home team.

Seattle may have the 12th man. We have the 24 Commandments.

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Fortunate Sons

With the owners meeting cranking up, this seems to be an appropriate Creedence song. One that was directed at the fact that those in power who were escalating the war in Vietnam had little stake in the collateral damage to the families of the kids that they were sending off to fight and die over there. In other words, the working class and poor were bearing the brunt of the machinations of the fortunate. But this is no new concept in the annals of history.

Speaking of fortunate sons and daughters, our own Young Sir Jed is one of the chosen few. Since daddy was doing such a bang-up job of destroying the 49ers and catching shit all over the place for his penny-pinching ways, he bequeathed the team to his son. Much like the original scenario of Eddie Sr. and his conflict of interest since he already owned the Pittsburgh Penguins. Here, junior, go play with your new toy. A $750 million football team.

Tony Morabito, original owners of the 49ers, had the good misfortune of dying at Kezar at halftime of a game vs the Bears in 1957. The Niners were losing 17-7, and early in the 3rd quarter, head coach Frasnkie Albert got a note from the press box saying “Tony’s gone.” The team stormed back and won 24-17. Maybe we should have sacrificed Dr. Kedorkian before Super Bowl XLVII. . . Anyhow, with Tony dead, and Vic dead by 1964, the widows Jane and and Josephine ran the team until a lack of interest led them to sell in 1977.

The NFL is littered with teams that have been handed down through generations of families. Jim Irsay is is the squirrelly son of Bob Irsay, who bought the team in 1972. Bill Bidwell inherited the team from dear old Charlie Bidwell. The Lions have been passed down through the Ford family since 1963, the Steeleroonies since 1933, and of course, the Bears, who have been all in the family since George Halas took over control of in 1920.

Nowadays, NFL ownership is the purview of egomaniacal new-rich dick-swingers. The biggest dicks being Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder. Jerry’s 1st job was Executive VP at his daddy’s insurance company. Daniel was raised in money, schooled in England, but (with some of daddy’s money) built his own direct-marketing company from the ground up that he sold for $2 billion in 2000. he bought the Redskins the year before. Seahawk owner Paul Allen on the other hand has pretty much stayed out of the way of the people he hired, and has done pretty well for the city of Seattle.

Otherwise, I got nothin’. The owners meeting should be as exciting as reading this blog, so enjoy. Not much happening in these next few weeks. Unless the DeSean Jackson sweepstakes and subsequent empty froth is your idea of fun.

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Travellin’ Band

737 comin’ out of the sky
Oh, won’t you take me down to Memphis
On a midnight ride, I gotta move
Hey, you need a travellin’ band, yeah

By popular demand, we’ve switched to Creedence Clearwater Revival. Another excellent American band that sounded Louisiana but actually came out of El Cerrito. One of many bands that signed onerous contracts that paid them pennies on the dollar while the record company reaped huge profits. John Fogerty broke up the band because, a) he was a control freak, but he also realized that he couldn’t work under the conditions imposed by Fantasy Records. So he broke up the band. Fantasy Records later sued John Fogerty, saying the song “Old Man Down the Road” sounded too much like the Creedence song “Run Through the Jungle.” In other words, he sounded too much like himself. Brilliant. Vanz Can’t Dance, and Mr. Greed are songs dedicated to his boss at Fantasy Records.

Anyhow, what’s the fastest and best way to travel? Through the air, of course. And this is where the biggest question around this team lays. We’ve all bemoaned the lack of a speed WR, a guy like Randy Moss, who regularly took a safety and CB with him on every pass play. Problem was he was, for all intents and purposes, a decoy. He cleared out routes underneath for Crabs and VD. Getting a guy like DSJ to fill this role would be instant discord, as he’d bristle immediately about not being the focus of the passing game. And he’d be right, but that a different kettle of fish.

And therein lies the rub. There is talk around the water cooler that this team wants to use more 3 WR formations. Problem is, this talk has been out there for a long time. I’ve been advocating this since before the stone age of Singletary/Jimmy-Hat. Mainly because you can run more effectively with less guys in the box. If you have a speed threat that is an actual weapon, and NOT just a threat, the defense is forced to cover that outside guy with a CB, and provide help over the top with a safety. Which clears the 2nd level for the run game.

And that’s the other sticking point. Can we even BE an effective deep passing team? The prevailing theory was that Alex Smith was the problem. Well, now that we have a cannon-armed young stud in Kappy Kaepernick, well, it’s more of the same. Sideline passes, buttonhooks, the occasional deep fade. The only guy running go routes is our TE. I don’t see a plethora of deep balls flying around. In 2011, Alex Smith’s last full season as a Niner, he was at 7.07 yards per attempt. Kappy’s 7.69 last year isn’t a vast improvement. Even the split year of 2012, AS was at 7.97, and Kappy was at 8.32. More of the same.

All this leads me to believe that it is the design of the offense, not the lack of a burner, that is the main culprit here. So, there is little reason to draft a WR in the 1st round. I mean, I’d love to get an Odell Beckham, but if we are merely going to use him as a decoy, then screw it. Draft a low level burner in the 3rd or 4th round. If they DO draft a WR, I hope to God they really revamp this offense to take better advantage of Kaepernick’s abilities rather than continue with the same power running game. Sure, they may struggle early, but who cares? This team needs to be a little more explosive. They have the defense to stop people. They need to get on top of teams and dominate rather than let teams hang around all game and prey for a game-winning field goal.

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Things Goin’ On

Well, have you ever lived down in the ghetto?
Have you ever felt that cold wind blow?
If you don’t know what I mean,
Won’t you stand up and scream.
Cuz there’s some things goin’ on that you don’t know . . .

Good stuff from those Southern rebels, Ronnie Van Zant and Lynyrd Skynyrd. Famously named for their high school gym teacher and part-time real estate agent Leonard Skinner, who told Ronnie and his friends they wouldn’t amount to shit.

Speaking of things goin’ on, there ain’t shit goin’ on. Well, actually there’s this.

Jim Harbaugh (who might do well to change his wardrobe if he doesn’t want to be instantly recognizable) was spotted in Virginia at V Tech’s pro day. The obvious guy to scout is Kyle Fuller, their cornerback and younger sibling of a couple NFL guys in Vincent and Corey Fuller. Good size, good speed, and started as a true freshman. Possible 2nd rounder? I guess it depends on who they pick in the 1st round.

The wildcard here is QB Logan Thomas, a freakishy fast and big dude (6’6″, 2fitty). In addition to the fastest 40-time for a QB (4.60), he also did the best vertical jump (35.5 inches), three-cone drill (7.05 seconds), 20-yard shuttle (4.18 seconds) and broad jump (9-feet, 10-inches). Plus, he’s got enormous hands, 10 and 7/8 inches across.

He was projected as a 7th round flier before the combine, but folks jumped up and took notice after. He’s raw as hell, but his arm is bigger than Kappy’s. As is eveything else. If this is the new NFL, I’d say draft him with one of our 4th round picks. Maybe even our last 3rd round pick. Who better than Jim Harbaugh to guide him on his path to NFL success?

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On the Hunt

After an unusual flurry of activity in the free agent drowning pool, the search for a speed wide receiver has reached a lull. Emmanuel Sanders agent burned some bridges after his agent promised KC he would sign with them while working out a deal with the Broncos as he told the Niners his client was on his way for a meet-n-greet.

Julian Edelson used the Niners as a bit of leverage as he sought to return to the Pats, and Brandon LaFell signed with the Pats as well. As did most of the sought-after guys like Eric Decker, Jeremy Maclin, Dexter McCluster, and Golden Tate.

Who’s left? Beyond Devin Hester and troubled and inconsistent Kenny Britt, it’s a who’s who of who? Sindney Rice, Santonio Holmes, and Jason Avant are names, but but their bodies have betrayed them. The rest are low risk-low reward types.

Hey Michael Spurlock is available.

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Gimme Three Steps

Great song about nearly getting shot in a bar fight in southern Mississippi. Up there with Charlie Daniels first hit, Uneasy Rider. Back when Charlie Daniels was a long-haired country boy . . .

Wow, the angst over signing one of the few top safeties rages on. Whatever. It’s a solid move that will bridge the gap to the next guy we draft in May. I mean really. Bethea’s better than Craig Dahl and that’s what matters to the 49ers.

Other than that, crazy FA times. The Raiders try to sign Saffold only to watch him fail hi physical. OWrd is Prince Valaint put the kibosh on the deal, thus overriding Dennis McKenzie. Who knows? Who cares? Other than that, Denver is signing big-tickets guys (Talib, D Ware, and G Tate) with the loss of Champ Bailey and presumably Black N Decker. Ahhh. I see Decker signed with the Jets. Who will throw him passes? If they are lucky, it’ll be Todd Bridgewater. Or, I hear Tim Tebow is available. Anyhow, Philly has cornered the market on pass-catching RBs by signing Darrell Sproules. Him teaming with LeSean McCoy in the Chip Kelly Experience should be non-stop fun. Foles should get about 6,000 yards through the air just dumping the ball off to those guys.

Me? I’m still waiting to hear if we will sign Tarell Brown. The longer he lingers, the more likely he re-ups with the 49ers.

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Nuthin’ Fancy

Moving on to one of the best bands to come out of the south, Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Nothing fancy is how I think the 49ers deal with the impending FA period. Which cracks open in 2.5 hours.

My take is the 49ers try to keep the proverbial band together without hitting free agency hard. Keep Whitner and Brown. Maybe Cox if he’s cheap. Dawson as well. Other than that? Who knows? There’s talk of getting VD’s brother, VD the CB, from the Colts. These others are peripheral guys who can be replaced in the plentiful draft.

So, seeing what happens these next couple weeks determines what they need in the draft. I certainly don’t think they go after a FA WR, but maybe a backup D lineman on the cheap? Sure. OTher than that, and maybe a CB/SS if they let Whitner go, I don’t see the Niners going into a free agent frenzy.

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