No Fun League? Meet No Fun Stadium . . .

Seriously, most of these are fairly mundane as the stadium experience goes (no guns, no booze) but no playing football in the parking lot? Not even frisbees? Granted, this isn’t 1978, but come on, frisbee is still a valid way to pass the time when you get to the game early.

And really, no fish? I brought my dolphin (a Niner fan, BTW) to the Miami game a couple years go without a hitch. Ahh, a catch. She’s a sea-borne mammal! My 17′ boa constrictor preferred watching the game from his usual perch at the Kezar Pub.

Anyhow, the following acts are prohibited for fans inside AND outside the stadium:

 

  • No throwing objects – liquid or solid, including footballs – or causing anything to “become airborne.”

Guess I can’t throw my shit that I took in the parking space next to me 

  • No exploding anything – including smoke bombs, stink bombs, or anything “repugnant or disgusting to the eyes or sense of smell” 

 

  • No birds, fish, reptiles or animals, except guide dogs, unless you are Marlin Perkins

Damn. I have some exploding pigeons I wanted to bring to the first home game. 

  • No urinating or defecating anywhere except the bathroom

The following acts are prohibited for fans inside the stadium

 

  • No bringing weapons – including guns, knives, Tasers, “impact weapons” or “chemical agents,” unless you’re Dirty Harry

 

  • No running on the field, going into the players locker rooms or entering any other prohibited areas unless you have a pass to be there, unless you are Dirty Harry chasing a criminal

 

  • No bringing in booze – even in a gun-shaped flask, unless you are Dirty Harry

 

  • No going inside the stadium – even for impromptu ultimate frisbee games – when no events are going on

 

  • No “disruptive, unsafe, noisy, boisterous or profane” activity. 

Hellooooooooo, Raider fans 

  • No buying an additional ticket to re-enter the stadium after you’ve been ejected.

Uh right. Good luck with that. “Another $250.00? Maybe next year’s game.” 

  • No air horns, bugles, powered megaphones, drums or other noise-making devices unless stadium officials approve.

They’d better approve Banjo Man or there will be hell to pay 

  • No smoking except in designated areas

 

  • No sitting in a seat that’s not yours.

“Excuse me miss? Can I sit on your lap? No? Oh, you can sit in mine . . .” 

  • No blocking the aisles

The following acts are prohibited for fans in stadium parking lots and other areas just outside the stadium

 

  • No “vehicle training,” playing sports – including football – bicycling or skateboarding in the parking lots.

Vehicle training? I can’t get my car to run a fly pattern, coach. 

  • No tailgating in unauthorized areas; it’s up to the parking lot owners to approve tailgating, and the team says tailgating will be allowed in more than half the lots

 

  • No free parking.

No free lunches either. Unless you are Dirty Harry 

  • No taking up more than one space in the parking lot; there are higher fees and special spaces for RVs and other huge vehicles.

This includes Arnold Schwartzenegger and the Hummer he rode in on. 

  • No messing with the parking space next to yours.

This includes shitting or otherwise marking it. 

  • No music or any noise that can be heard from more than 50 feet away.

3 feet if it is Justin Bieber. 

  • No lingering in parking lots during specific events in which officials close the lots during the events

 You mean we’re locked IN?

  • No selling food, drinks or anything else unless you’re an authorized business, and no seeking employment or begging for money

“Can I clean up all the shit in the parking lot?” 

  • No beer kegs. No glass containers unless it’s for prescribed medication.

“Yes officer, I need my bottle of Jack Daniels to overcome my Social Anxiety Disorder.”

 

There you have it. A veritable feast of no-no’s for our sparkling new turd of a stadium. Remember, no loud or excessive cheering for the home team.

Seattle may have the 12th man. We have the 24 Commandments.

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About unca_chuck

Lifelong SF 49ers and SF Giants fan
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37 Responses to No Fun League? Meet No Fun Stadium . . .

  1. Spitblood says:

    Mark Cuban was right. He might be a douche, but he’s also a self made billionaire. He’s exactly right about the NFL. But, there will be a backlash, and the pendulum, as Grampy says, will swing. And yes, I threw an “an” in there intentionally. Just for giggles.

  2. Spitblood says:

    an “a”

  3. unca_chuck says:

    The pendulum will swing, and the cradle will rock.

    Wow. They really looked like this?

  4. Nipper says:

    I’ll miss the Stick days when you could store your smoldering used hot coals beneath your gas tank and enjoy a game. Of course I’m thinking of Giants games. Damn that was fun!

    • Spitblood says:

      Some of favorite Stick baseball memories in no particular order.
      1.) One of my favorite Stick memories was driving up from SLO in college for a night game, spending all my money on beer then not having enough for a ticket, then climbing up the light pole with my buddy and jumping into the second level. Watched the whole game for free behind home plate, for free. Nobody there. Pre Barry.
      2.) Before they put bleachers in left field, there was a chained linked fence and lawn between the seats and fence. A Giant hit a homerun (can’t remember who) and we dared my drunk buddy to go get the ball. He did. Just before the security guard was bending down to pickup the ball, my buddy raced in, slid, grabbed the ball and ran back to us, coming back over the fence. He immediately handed the ball off, and we were all swarmed by security guards. We all went to the Candlestick jail because we wouldn’t give up the ball. He still has it. We finished the game in the parking lot.
      3,.) A’s / Giants….preseason, before inter-league play. In high school there was this girl who was a grade above me. She was a complete tramp. Ricky Henderson was fucking her. They met in a hotel bar. My buddy was neighbors with her. We spent the entire game yelling at Ricky about statutory rape, and the penalties for it. He kept looking back at us, and finally figured out exactly who we were. But all he could do was point and stare while we lambasted him from our seats. By the end of the night the entire stadium pretty much knew Ricky was fucking a 16 year old.

  5. Please don’t get too comfortable Spit because Jimi has a message for you:

    “Jim Harbaugh: Frank Gore’s ‘Got 3 More Good Years'”

    http://tinyurl.com/p487tlu

    • Spitblood says:

      I read this online and denied it was ever said or written for the sake of my own sanity. I’m still in denial. But I also know it’s a Harbaugh sales job. After all, Alex Smith is an elite quarterback.

    • NJ49er says:

      It might open the door for Frank to restructure too Phil.
      Spread his heavy final Contract year into something more manageable?

      One thing is certain, the 9ers do a fantastic job of structuring deals so as to maximize flexibility for future needs.
      Drafting well is the key to success.
      ‘Try on’ the Rookies for their initial Pro debuts, extend the ones that are worthy.
      They come cheap from College thanks to the Rookie Cap.

      • Yeah good point NJ. Hadn’t thought of that re: Frank but yep. Also the rookie cap IS a big help in leveling the playing field and not overpaying for busts or the mediocre

  6. Spitblood says:

    Now this is the most interesting story to come out of the off season thus far….. http://www.cbsnews.com/videos/federal-agency-says-college-athletes-have-right-to-unionize/

    • NJ49er says:

      Until they find out Scholarships will be denied I’m sure.

      Heard an interesting proposal regarding Student Athletes being paid.
      It was suggested that an Educational Trust Fund be set up for athletes who helped their Alma Maters turn a profit for their respective University Sports Programs.

      In essence, allowing them to continue their educations on the University or elsewhere if they choose.
      Nice idea, until you factor in the possibilty of ‘profits’ being erased through fraudulent accounting practices I guess.

      • rtfirefly says:

        The first strike and picket lines will be a riot. Literally. Drunken Ole Miss and Bama alums taking on very large football players outside the gates. Hmmm, sounds like a reality show in the making!

  7. unca_chuck says:

    Harbaugh addresses a familiar topic.

    http://blogs.sacbee.com/49ers/archives/2014/03/harbaugh-hints-at-changes-to-49ers-offense.html#more

    There’s obviously recognition from the coaches that there are problems with the passing game.

    There are some *cough cough-nofear-cough cough* that think the prudent idea is to stay the course.

    Well, here’s to change.

  8. unca_chuck says:

    Well, here’s the whole damn article.

    Lots of good shit, if it’s real.

    ORLANDO, Fla. – The 49ers are seeking wide receivers this offseason and, Jim Harbaugh hinted, perhaps some tweaks to their power-based offense.

    “A real good scheme evaluation, I think, is what’s next for us as coaches,” the 49ers coach said today at a media breakfast. “Now that we’ve had Colin (Kaepernick) here for a year and half and understand what we all do well, what we could do better. I think that’s something that’s a priority right now that we’ll attack.”

    Will they be big changes? “No, not big changes,” he said. “But always be an evolution, always strive to make it better.”

    As is his custom, Harbaugh lavished praise on his starting quarterback and defended him against criticism, including accusations that he’s a one-read passer.

    “Some of the time there was just one guy to go to,” Harbaugh said. “There were times we had Anquan (Boldin) and Vernon (Davis). And they were literally doubling Anquan and Vernon. And he had one other option to go to. … There was tough sledding. It’s up to all of us to get better.”

    One of the ways to improve, Harbaugh said more than once during the hour-long sessions, is to supply Kaepernick with more weapons. When receiver Michael Crabtree was injured last season, the 49ers’ passing game revolved around two players – Boldin and Davis, who caught all but one of Kaepernick’s 24 touchdown passes during the regular season and playoffs.

    The situation improved when Crabtree returned to the field in December, but Harbaugh indicated that more firepower is needed. He and general manager Trent Baalke like Quinton Patton, a fourth-round pick in 2013 who was injured for half of his rookie season. This year’s draft, however, is especially rich in wideouts, and the 49ers are likely to give Patton competition for the No. 3 spot.

    The 49ers also have considered wide receivers in free agency, including Julian Edelman, Hakeem Nicks and Emmanuel Sanders. All of them signed elsewhere.

    “There was a stretch last year where he didn’t have (many receiving options), and he played through it,” Harbaugh said of Kaepernick. “And never an excuse, never a bony finger of blame toward anybody. There was definitely times where we were just not getting guys open for him.”

    One the of the tweaks the 49ers have in store likely will be to the way they call plays. The process to this point has been long and cumbersome, and it’s resulted in a slew of delay-of-game penalties and timeouts. The potential game-winning play in the Super Bowl a year ago, for example, was wiped out because the play clock was about to expire.

    The Seahawks, who throttled San Francisco’s passing game last season, including in the NFC title game, also may force Harbaugh and the 49ers to make changes. One of the few teams that gave Seattle’s aggressive defense problems last year was the Colts, who beat them 34-28. In that game, quarterback Andrew Luck threw two touchdowns, both of them to receiver T.Y. Hilton, who finished with five catches for 140 yards.

    Boldin and Crabtree are physical, aggressive receivers who mostly are used in the short- to medium-passing game. Asked if the 49ers could use a swift, down-field threat like Hilton in their offense, Harbaugh said “it’s something that we’ll look at addressing.”

    Acquiring that type of receiver also could prompt the 49ers to use more three wide-receiver formations. Dating back to his time at the University of San Diego, Harbaugh’s offenses have been decidedly brawny and run-oriented, and he has preferred using two tight ends or a running back and a full back instead of three receivers.

    In fact, San Francisco has used the formation roughly 20 percent of the time over the last three seasons, the lowest rate in the league. “We’ve mainly done that on third down,” Harbaugh said before pausing and continuing coyly, “but it doesn’t mean we can’t do it on first and second down.”

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Well, welcome to the fucking club, Jim. It’s about motherfucking time.

    • NJ49er says:

      Adding a bigger bodied WR with 4.4 speed like Donte Moncrief could supply a bonafide option too Chuck.

      Either way, we need a burner.
      Plenty of options to sort through come Draft Weekend.

      The only tall guy with excellent speed is Jeff Janis from Sag Valley St.
      Problem there is, he’s not a plug-n-play option right now, he needs a lot of work.

      Jordan Matthews, Odell Beckham whomever, we’ll get an option or 2.

      • NJ49er says:

        Another reason that Indy gave Seattle trouble is Andrew Luck taking the time in the pocket to allow these plays to develop.

        Kaep needs to learn some patience, and anticipation, before we play Raiders-type bombs away football too.

        I like how Jim tempered the comment to suggest that it’s not all on the Coaching –
        “Now that we’ve had Colin (Kaepernick) here for a year and half and understand what we all do well, what we could do better. I think that’s something that’s a priority right now that we’ll attack.”

        Maybe play-action on 1st and 2nd Downs isn’t a pipe dream for us?
        Let’s hope they find Offensive Nirvana. And SOON.

      • Moncrief, Matthews, Beckham, hey maybe we will use a few of our WRs not named BOLDIN

    • Understatement. Not that any of us would ever “point the bony finger of blame” about our passing game. Bony finger of blame = classic Hendrix`

  9. snarkk says:

    I’ve seen the new stadium a few times as it’s progressed. I must say it looks kind of funky. Like a stark white erector set with a bunch of crazy elevations. It surely will be an improvement on the Stick, but as for character and ambiance, it may have both of a concrete tilt up in Sunnyvale…

    • And no yelling you hear?!

    • unca_chuck says:

      Hah! Yeah, the one I thought they’d pattern this after was the Carolina stadium.

      I guess they wanted the high tech look as opposed to a traditional stadium. I mean, if this was in the middle of a city, they’d go traditional. But since it’s in the middle of office park mania, they went techie weenie?

      Shit, my fear was they’d leave the Bay Area entirely, so I’m happy the stadium’s going up, but I really would have preferred this being in the city.

      • 12th man says:

        The Stick was a shit hole but it was in SF. Not a fan of the move but looking forward to seeing the new digs in person.

      • unca_chuck says:

        Barely. But, yeah, it was there. Not sure where they would have put a new one if it wasn’t in Bayview/Hunter’s Point. The mall idea was ludicrous however. I mean really, who wants to drive to cracktown to go shopping?

    • snarkk says:

      I don’t blame the Niners one bit for leaving SF proper. The SF city government is insane, for starters. And corrupt beyond recognition. Any deal for a new stadium probably would have had to pass SF voter muster, which would have been dubious, at best, given past history. And compare locations. Yeah, let’s plunk down a billion dollar stadium in the middle of Hunters Point, or in the middle of Silicon Valley. Duh…

  10. unca_chuck says:

    They need to get better at pass pro if they want to expand the passing game.

    I’d expect to see O linemen become a bigger priority.

    Haven’t really looked at any for this draft.

    • 12th man says:

      They could but i think they like Martin for the swing position. Iupati is the key and if they do give Kap a contract I doubt they keep Iupati. Unless someone drops down the board of course, then all bets are off.

  11. Johnny Football wore camouflage shorts, a helmet and shoulder pads at his pro day and aced it. Just like me on the 16th at Cypress Point.

  12. unca_chuck says:

    Hello Oaktown for Johnny Football.

    They should take Bortles, but they won’t.

  13. Spitblood says:

    John Martin won’t even make this football team, and really….. who wants him? Anyone who allows themselves to get bullied as an adult is a pussy. No two ways about it. And I don’t want pussies on my football team. I’d rather have Mike Sam than John Martin. Sam’s more of a man. Martin is the one who should stay in the closet. The NFL has a “Don’t ask, but you can tell,” policy with pussies. Martin has two strikes against him in two years: Aldon Smith blowing him up and Richie bullying him. Two strikes in two years probably means he just isn’t good enough to be a 49er. But I could see Martin making the practice squad…. if he’s eligible. And who called it? Didn’t I tell you the day he was traded for there’d be talk of sliding him to guard? Only one problem with that idea – Charlie don’t surf and pussies don’t play guard.

  14. unca_chuck says:

    He’s a low-risk high reward deal. Plain and simple. They won’t waste a spot on the practice squad either. He either makes it or is cut.

    Besides, Aldon blows up lots of guys.

  15. unca_chuck says:

    And yeah, 12th, I don’t think the addition of Martin alters their draft probabilities one iota. They see a guard or tackle (or even center) who jumps out at them, they’ll grab him.

  16. unca_chuck says:

    New thread is up up and away . . .

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